Whispering Willows

Hard Changes

Thursday, August 19, 2010 11:26 PM

My summer has been non-stop lately. As most people know I decided to move back home, out of Shawn's apartment on Friday, July 23/2010. The decision came from both of us trying to follow God's will for our lives. We realized that we understand, finally, the reason that we are told to be pure and only romantic, not intimate until we are married. Our eyes have been opened to the wonderful things that are in store for us since we have done what we feel is right for us. Our romance is re-gaining strength and it feels so right for the position we are in right now in our lives. We want our marriages one day to be extremely meaningful, we want to feel like we have sacrificed something in our lives to get to that point. I want to wear a white dress and fit the role, even though I do not physically...I believe the sacrifice over the months, or years will help me to feel pure in heart. And how amazing will that feel?

Moving home was not easy, I did not do it for the savings of money, I did not do it to get away from Shawn or to 'have a break'. It was and is one of the hardest things that I have ever done to this day because it is not natural. I lived with this wonderful man and was practically married to him (without vows only) for 2 full years. Emotions by that point lead your body to believe that you are coupled with this person, forever, but your heart knows that isn't true because there is no commitment. It was the easiest, widest path for us to follow, living together made life hunky dorey and did not make us wish to marry as much as we should if we are that serious. So moving out was very difficult, insanely difficult actually. At some points I felt disdain toward myself for making such an odd decision. Move away from Shawn? What the heck? What a silly thing to do, you love him so much, how are you going to live without him? On, and on, and on the questions and confusion would roll through my head. But then I would get home to my own room, in my parents house and sit on my own bed and think, "This is right, this is how this unmarried, 20 year old girl should be living." It feels so right. And I love it. I love Shawn more than I ever have before because I see such an immense love in him toward me and toward God. He followed the age old rule, "If you love someone, let her go, if she comes back, she is yours." He is in essence letting me go a bit, letting me do what I believe is the right thing for me and for him and I'm loving him more and more everyday for it. We are becoming so strong because we need to be, this is such an 'upside down' way of doing things from what the world thinks.

It's been really hard lately, I've been trying to find a car, none have looked that great, financial stuff is really hard to figure out after moving out, back to work after holidays right after I moved. We got to see each other pretty much every day anyway because we were both on holidays but now, life is back to normal and it's not easy. We need prayer, we need strength to get through days of hard conversation and difficult situations. It's amazing the things we have to deal with that we didn't even think about or remember from 'dating' before. Life is hard right now...I'm struggling. I'm stressed. But I'm happy too. I'm learning that prayer is my answer to worry. I worry...then I pray and trust that God will take care of it (cause he will) and I relax...I've never felt it be that easy before but God is showing me the healing power of prayer. So please, pray for us.